I hear this at least once a day at work and I've kind of grown to resent it. People ask how Kale is doing, I give some obligatory response about how he's into everything and at a really fun stage. Sometimes they ask how I'm adjusting to being back at work. Depending on how well I know the person I might say something about the challenge of finding a work-home balance, but mostly I just say it's going really well - better than I expected.
And then they say it.
"It must be so hard to leave him."
What do I hear when someone says this? A lot.
Because we live in Canada and are entitled to a full-year parental leave, I often feel judged for deciding to return to work after 8 months. I do feel the judgement dissipate slightly when I explain that my partner is taking the remaining four months of our leave, but sometimes I don't explain this and I feel the burn of their judgement.
It doesn't bother me on a personal level because I know we made the right decision for our family. It bothers me on a different level. Because women should be able to be mothers and have a career. Because not every family can afford to take a full year off with only 55% pay. Because I don't think any woman should be judged for making the decision to return to work. Because it's so incredibly annoying, and backwards, and ARCHAIC to assume that going back to work means you value your job more than your family. Because this is what I hear when people say "it must be so hard to leave him."
Some days it is really hard to leave him. He stands at the back door with his dad, both still in their pj's, with a day of playing and napping stretched out in front of them, happily waving goodbye. I'm in heels and make up, bogged down by my briefcase, breast pump, and purse, with a day of meetings and desk work stretched out in front of me. Sometimes it is hard to get in my car and drive away.
But, guess what? Most days it isn't. Most days I like getting dressed up for work. I like being able to pick up a coffee at the cafe next door. I like using my brain in different ways than I do when I'm home with Kale. I like having adult conversations, networking, writing reports, developing work plans, doing research, facilitating meetings. I like working.
Sometimes I wonder what Kris and Kale are up to and so I sneak in a phone call to find out. But most of the time? Most of the time I'm way to busy to let my mind get off task.
I love coming home at lunch and having an hour to enjoy a meal and some play time with my family. I love to come home at the end of the day to hugs and kisses. I love how I can give myself to Kale 100% in the evenings. I'm more engaged and focused in my time with him. I love finding out what he's learned during the day. I love how meaningful our time on the weekends is.
Does this mean its NOT hard to leave him? no.
Does this mean it I like leaving him? kind of.
Does it mean I wish every day was like this:
Well, of course.
It is so awful when people project like that. It's truly such a personal decision and others need to learn to respect that. Especially since Kale has an awesome dad at home with him.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, that's amazing that you get a years maternity leave in Canada. Here in the US, it's 6 weeks. Kind of a joke.
Oh, I totally hear you on this one! I went back to work part time after 6 weeks (my hubby was home for 8) and I've heard everything from "Ugh, daycare, that must be AWFUL?" to "Don't you worry that he's going to think THOSE people are your parents?"
ReplyDeleteI finally just started nodding and smiling when people said "Don't you just hate it that you have to work?" because saying anything else just made their eyes pop out of their head in disgust.
Amen sister!
ReplyDelete*HUGS* I went back to work after 3 weeks and people freaked out. :X
ReplyDeleteWow - this was an amazing post! I hear this from people often as well. But in my case, I don't always hear the judgment, just empathy. I did hear it in someone's voice the other day, but I ignored it. It's like the "So is he sleeping through the night, yet?" question. There's no good reason why they should say it, but they do anyway.
ReplyDeleteyou know how i feel about this! i just started back at work after a year and i still hear the same questions.. the same "concerns".
ReplyDeletei also hear "but you must have some resentment towards stefano for being a stay-at-home daddy" -- it almost feels like some people say things just to piss me off.
blah.
i love working... i just wish my work wasn't so far away!! i do wish i could come home for lunch.. life would be so much sweeter.
This was such an amazing post! You really do capture the WHOLE thing. I also think work and family should not be mutually exclusive and there should not be so much guilt (enforced by others) when you decide to be away from your family (for whatever reason it might be). You are a mom, but you are still an individual, right? I went out with a friend (who doesn't have kids) yesterday and she asked me if I think about what Bresho is up to when I am not with him. I felt bad saying "no" because I am expected to say "yes", but the truth is that when I am away, I do think about him several times, but I am doing other things, so I kind of forget about him for a while... and saying that? just made me the worst mother in the world. I hate mom-guilt!
ReplyDelete