2 years of attachment parenting: principle 3 {respond with sensitivity}

As a way to reflect on our parenting over the past two years, I’ve decided to write a series of posts based on Attachment Parenting International’s 8Principles of Attachment Parenting. I did something similar last year when Kale turned one, except I used Dr.Sears’ 7 Baby B’s. You can read those posts, as well as earlier ones from this series by clicking the 'attachment parenting' tab on the sidebar. 

If you’re new to attachment parenting, I strongly recommend reading this quick introduction by API. Here is a quote from this introduction that I love and wanted to share:

“Attachment Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all recipe for raising children, therefore API recommends parents use their own judgment and intuition to create a parenting style that fosters attachment and works for their family. Some practices listed in The Eight Principles are inherently more attachment-promoting than others. The most ideal practices are listed first. Many API support groups start each meeting by saying "Take what works for your family and leave the rest." This sentiment also applies to The Eight Principles.”

It's hard for me to write this post and keep focused on the year when Kale was between one and two and not what's currently going on in our lives. We're dealing with some tough transition/separation anxiety issues and struggling to figure out how we can respond with sensitivity, but also provide consistency and remain firm. I'll blog about this more at another time, but for now I want to try and push that to the side and reflect on the past year. 


Constant physical contact 
Sometime around the end of last summer, Kale stopped wanting to be worn. He actually started to resist being worn by me much earlier - probably around 12 months - when he really started walking. Kris continued to walk him to sleep in the sling most nights, until he was about 15 months. We were warned by many that once Kale started walking, he wouldn't want to be close to us as much. That he'd want to be exploring and showing his independence. So it was with a heavy heart that we packed our carriers and slings away. However, Kale continued to want to a lot of physical contact. He absolutely loves to explore and be independent, but he also loves to cuddle, and be carried, and to hold our hands. He likes to sleep with his head on our shoulder, tucked in under our wing. A lot of people have seen this and remarked that they wish their kids still liked to cuddle or nap in their arms. I totally think that wearing Kale for the first year and bedsharing with us has resulted in a two year old that still loves being close to his parents. 


Respond to tantrums and strong emotions
Kris and I do our best to respond to Kale's emotions with sensitivity. It's not always easy. Actually, it's almost never easy - but we try our best. As a result, we haven't seen a lot of tantrums from Kale. Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a full-on tantrum. We've seen some meltdowns and some fits, but nothing I'd call a tantrum. When Kale was around one year old, Kris and I made a commitment not say 'no', but to explain why he couldn't have or do something. That lasted for about two months, until we realized we were being naive. Expecting a one year old to understand even simple sentences to explain things, regardless of the empathy in our voices, was expecting too much. It's taken us some time to figure out how to respond to strong emotions - how and when to say 'no' and when to hug and hold and explain things, but we're getting there. Again, I feel like everything we did in the first year - babywearing, breastfeeding, bedhsaring, etc. - helped us build a strong connection to Kale that has kept us in tune with his needs as he grew into toddlerhood. 


Provide a safe environment 
In terms of a physical environment, we made some changes when Kale started walking to make sure it was safe for him. We actually got rid of a ton of furniture that had sharp corners or could fall over on him (I realize we could have made it safer, but we also wanted to open up space for him to run around). But more than the physical space, we have done our best to make sure Kale always feels safe. We don't push him into situations that he's uncomfortable with just to make someone else happy. We hold him when he's nervous and wants to be held. We say "that's ok" when he doesn't want to do something or talk to someone. At the same time, we encourage him to take risks, to move outside his comfort zone, to be independent. When Kale enters a new environment, we can see the wheels turning. He assess the situation, looks to us for reassurance, decides he feels safe, and jumps right in. Many advocates of attachment parenting saying that it promotes independence and I 100% agree with that and feel that as a toddler, we've seen truth to it. 

Enjoying the series? We'd love if you could show some support and vote for us below!